I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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