I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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