i just sent this text using only my big toe
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize