How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I am puke
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
