i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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