Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I don't deserve a penis
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
