you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
