mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
