he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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