That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
