since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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