It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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