I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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