i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
