WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
