Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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