I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
