Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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