my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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