Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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