***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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