i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
