do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
