just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
