I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
