someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
