I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Actions speak louder than pants.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
