The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
