I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
