careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
