How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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