I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize