the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
