and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
