She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
