You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
