just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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