Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
