is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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