I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
