This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
