you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
