In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
