she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize