I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize