Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's blow job season.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
