Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
