I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
