My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
