Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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