We named our party play list daddy issues
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
