1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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