and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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