have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
