i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
