apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you will always have a special place in my vag
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
