Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
