i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
