It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
