im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
