cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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