Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
